Oh my gosh.. those words feel so good to type!
I'm an optimist. And I really like myself. I know that sounds conceited, but it's not. In my opinion the whole self-esteem thing is over-emphasized on Oprah and in sex-ed and can be overlooked in the church. It is so vital and so exciting to really uncover who you are. I'm convinced there's a battle going on to keep us from discovering ourselves and all we've been made for. (That's for another day, though. Maybe tomorrow. I could get used to this blogging thing.) Know that Myers-Briggs test? Absolutely love it. It is so creepily accurate that you could close this blog right now, google ENFP and bam! me in a nutshell. They don't pay me to say this stuff, I promise.
I go to a small school that I adore, and I absolutely L-O-V-E people. I draw a lot of my worth from others. And with a very select number of individuals, if I feel I'm not perfect in their eyes, I'll perform. I hate admitting to it but I guess we've all been there. What I'm talking about is more like a circus act than a Shakespearean production. It's draining, always messy, and often I don't even realize I'm doing it. That, ladies and gents, is where this evening found me.
I'm stressed with schoolwork and courseloads and extracurricular responsibilities, but more than anything I'm strung out from rehearsing. Scene after scene after scene is built around an audience of one. If I don't hear laughter or feel applause I'll tear down and start over, because your approval is a dangerously big deal. That's something I'm still sorting out. I don't want to dwell in it for fear of talking in circles.
One of my heroes is Alyssa Barlow. I just read her blog and it kinda inspired this entry. She wrote, "Refuse to live below your calling." Those words are so full of life and power. What a challenge. Living below the call is eeeaaassssyyyy. So often, ugh, instead of refusing the sub-standard, I welcome it. Since this blog points so blatantly to my imperfection I'll admit to having a small breakdown tonight. My roommate gave me jewels of advice and I half-laughed, mostly-whined into her shoulder, "But it's so hard!" I wish love and loss and wisdom and discretion came easy. But if it did... we would never grow. We'd have merely shallow stories to tell and we'd be terribly unaccustomed to listening to those who really need it. Most of all, we would have no need for hope. These words are hard to cling to when you feel distant from God and even harder when you don't care to hear Him, but they remain true: "In this world you will have trouble; but take heart, I have overcome the world." Jesus said that. It sounds crazy if you don't know the heart of God, but trust me, His heart is in His words. Crack open the Bible to the middle. Check John out. It's good stuff. It fills you up.
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