Tell-all

If I had the chance to go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story
I would walk away with my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

That's Nichole Nordeman.  I would love nothing more than to sit over a latte with this amazing woman of God and just listen.  She's a hero of mine, not just for her writing but for the heart behind it.  She doesn't toil over smoothing out the rough parts of life.  I admire that so greatly- the behavior directly counters human instinct.

When I was a senior in high school, I took US History at the community college.  The professor was my height with white hair and a full mustache.  He knew his stuff and was passionate about it.  The girl sitting next to me in class dropped out because she said he was a male chauvinist, but I never had trouble approaching the guy.  He brought his yellow lab to school every day and the dog lived in his office.  So cool.  Anyway, he'd talk religion in class sometimes.  Understandable, considering our country's Christian roots.  He explained who Calivinsts were, how they believe God has complete sovereignty over our decision to accept or reject Him; thus, God created some people just to go straight to hell.  "If that's how it works, and I'm an elect person going to heaven, I'd live it up here while I've got the chance."  It made sense to me.  He taught on the Puritans as well, how they were responsible for the Salem witch trials.  I was appalled and disgusted at that fact.  I was studying US Government at the same time for a high school requirement, and the book had nothing but praise for the Puritans.  After that I took a lot of what my "good Christian textbook" said with a grain of salt. 

I really enjoyed that history class and I learned so much.  It was by far the best class I'd taken at community college.  But since coming to a Christian college, I've realized that Calivinism goes deeper than my professor's explanation.  It's an approach to the justice of a good God.  I've heard exquisite Puritan prayers that enrapture my heart.  Here's the point: 

We are tremendously inclined as human beings to elevate heroes to sainthood and demonize others, who in actually aren't so different from ourselves. 

Stop.  Think about it.  Maybe you just read that story about my professor and thought, "What a terrible person!"  And then you read my praise of him and thought the exact same thing about me.  Maybe you've tagged me as liberal.  But the thing is, I don't necessarily feel the same way now that I did three years ago.  People change and don't fit in our neat little boxes.  When we forget this, we fall victim to judgment.  Judgment elevates us so highly  that we have to squint to see other people.  When things are fuzzy, we darken the lines with our own fallible presuppositions.  Our ideology is so black and white that we forget people are so many brilliant shades of grey.  Perhaps silver is more appropriate, a silver that glimmers with the most magnificent multicolored hues under sunlight.

The fact that we sanctify some individuals and demonize others hits pretty close to home, because I'm faced with a choice.  Not "How will I look at others?" though that's important, too.  Instead I wonder, "How am I presenting myself?"  I can pass for perfect, maybe, if I try hard enough.  If I were to write an autobiography, what would it say?  I can conveniently forget every time I've screwed up and paint a flawless portrait.  Does it make sense to say that each and every day I pen another page?  We all do.  A few days ago, my hairdresser was telling me about LA.  He said an insurmountable number of people there are superficial and have had Botox injections.  They try to fix the imperfections.  Their autobiography reads like a fantasy.  I don't want that.  If you study the Puritans you'll find that there is truth to both of the accounts I was presented with in high school.  At the end of my life, I don't want people to see all the bad stuff, the way my history professor viewed the Puritans.  I don't want people to look at my life like some Christians saw the Puritans, either.  By God's grace I've done some things right, and I've definitely made my share of mistakes.  I'm never as good or as awful of a person as you make me out to be, and I hope you've noticed that.  I hope the way I live my life tells all.

and our lives blow about like flags on the land...

God has been showing me a lot lately about foundations. We all have some sort of foundation on which we build our lives. In the gospel of Luke, Jesus gives us two options: sand or rock. The Bible doesn’t go into much detail concerning the scenery, so bear with me as I think through this. I’m imagining one big beach; like in those “Aloha from Paradise!” postcards. I would say the scene is appropriate. I imagine a community of people with houses built upon the sand. Families have built their homes there for generations. So, it only makes sense that necessities like grocery stores, gymnasiums, and churches would follow. It doesn’t look unusual; in fact, it’s quite the lovely little town. Recently, a “new guy” moved in. He looked at all the homes resting upon the sand and knew their foundations weren’t stable. So, he got his plot of beach just like everyone else, and set to work, digging for rock. His neighbors respected his discipline but sighed inwardly. “How strange; like digging a hole to China. I’ve never seen anything like it.” To their great astonishment, the man hit rock, and began his life on solid ground. We know how the story ends. The rains came down and the floods came up. A strong wind rushed in and the house on the sand fell. The house on the rock, in turn, stayed strong.

Building on rock does not come naturally.  It's not the easy option; but when the storm hits (cause the same storm will hit those who've prepared and those who haven't) you will have stamina.  When the storm hits, fear not.  You've gotten this far-- has God let you down yet?  Look back.  He's given you each measure of diligence and provided for you through every step of "construction."  Look forward.  You will get through.  Pray.  Never forget you are loved.  You're on sturdy ground.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you. | Isaiah 43:2

2.14

Hey little blog!  I like you so very much.  When I'm hanging out at ze blog and listening to the best pandora station in the world, life is just swell.

I like it here so much I don't always know what to write about until I get started.  Ooh, here's something: guess what holiday is coming up??!!  VALENTINE'S DAY!!!  Guys, I'm a big fan.  When I was in high school one of my very best friends in the world came over and we baked cookies allll morning. Afterwards her madre chauffeured us around and we delivered them to all our girlfriends.  It was just THE best!  I distinctly remember myself in a light-up unicorn hat and Laura wearing a Darth Vader mask all day long.

So, the big day is coming up in one week and I'm already scheming what I can get into :)  One big thing God's been reminding me of this past week is how precious every one of my girlfriends are.  So I encourage you, ladies, not to get caught up in singles awareness blues.  If you're not with a guy right now, it simply means God's called you to something else, right?  That's a very simple way of putting it, especially in light of girls who are fighting through really tough breakups right now.  But if that girl isn't you, that means you're in a pretty good place to encourage her and other women as well.  So take a friend out to coffee.  Split a pack of cookie dough sitting cross-legged on your bunk.  Break out some coloring books.  Have a heart-to-heart.  Smile, laugh, pray together.  These single years are irreplaceable-- let's make the most of em :)

According to grace

You know how awesome of a privilege it can be, living in the western world?  I want to hear a sermon on power, and oh hey, there's a podcast for that. :)  So cool.  And that teaching was probably the best.... I can't remember the last time I've heard anything so incredible. (And that's coming from someone who's had a pretttty amazing week!)

"To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of his power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12

Satan does not give ground easily.  This prayer addresses little things we may be tempted to get caught up in in our journey with God.  The teaching I just finished listening to is called "By His Power," delivered by Josh Harris to Covenant Life Church.  Josh starts off by delving into that last line: according to his grace.  From my notes:

We are always praying according to something.  My own righteousness?  It’ll fall apart in the next 10 minutes.  Will you feel like praying then?  If you live like this prayer will be a dry, condemning, lifeless, dead thing that you never want to do.  If you pray for others according to their worthiness, you’ll never pray for them.  No faith left to pray for your enemies ‘cause it’s all about human performance.  When the gospel becomes the basis that’s when you begin to pray without ceasing.

 God has called you.  And only God can make you worthy of that calling.  It's not about my performance or my guilt because in the end they'll both amount to nothing.  "Grace doesn’t leave us prisoners on the treadmill of religious performance, but neither does it leave us prisoners of our old sinful habits."  Everything-absolutely everything-must be seeped in prayer.  Prayer that not only guards us from sin but finds our greatest joy in doing good.  Because knowing the right answers and living them are two totally different ballgames.  I wish I could emphasize it like Josh does in this sermon but he does it so much more eloquently.  You've just gotta listen!

http://www.covlife.org/resources/3779329-By_His_Power

School is hectic and it's actually 4 AM right now!  I've been so crazy busy writing papers and all that jazz--but I haven't forgotten about you, I promise!  Ideally I'll be back tomorrow because there's so much I want to say on the subject of power.  That'll more likely happen on, oh, Saturday, but here's hoping :)

Just a little deeper

Here's a continuation of my thoughts from earlier today.  Sooo if you scroll down and read that post first this will make more sense.  Figured I'd break it up so you're not reading a novel of a webpage all at once, ha, not that I've ever been known to write excessively long pieces or anything... :)

Ezekiel 16 is an incredible passage.  God's power and subsequent tenderness jumps out at me most of all, but last summer something else caught my attention.  Jerusalem was broken. She wasn't in awe of God's tenderness.  She felt alone and cheated when everything comfortable, everything celebrated, and everything normal was stripped away.  It is easy to walk away from the big picture, the whole story, with one mindset-- but think about the journey.  I would go through the hardest season of bitterness and resentment if everything I'd defined myself by suddenly fell apart.  Eventually I'd see that God knows what He's doing, and I'd be totally floored that He even wants anything to do with me anymore... but it would take so much time and grace to get me there.

He doesn't promise an easy journey.  But the promise of a lifetime with a purpose greater than me is so worth it.

Ezekiel 16... reflections

A page erased, slow to save, before this beauty quietly fades...

What a week. Can I tell you guys a story? I have a friend who was in a whirlwind romance gone awry. He was her first; they went fast— and once he got what he wanted, he was gone. It’s a heartbreaking scenario that happens time and time again, but this struck such a chord with me. I have always had the utmost respect for this girl. She’s a knockout, first of all, with a killer sense of humor and an unmatched ear for the liveliest music out there. She’s artsy—never one to follow the crowd— her wardrobe has a personality all its own. She's confident, secure, and people notice. And without a second glance she gave her curious, spirited, trusting heart to a guy who threw it back at her feet in shambles. Now she wonders, what's the point? Where's the purpose in holding out for the kind of guy who's really worth it?

Ladies, we have got to know who we are and have security in that before we look for it anywhere else. (And that is so much easier said than done. I know I have to kind of choke those words down; God knows I’ve fallen short.) So where does security come from? Guys, it comes from prayer. And that’s not praying to your inner self or the universe; it’s opening your heart and really listening to a God who has already defined us.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is thousands of years old. It’s a prophesy, a message God gave to this guy Ezekiel for His beloved people, Jerusalem. In Ezekiel chapter 16, God says, have you so easily forgotten? You are like a baby girl I found all alone in a field, left to drown in your own blood. You were dirty, deserted, unwanted and unloved. I raised you. I delighted in you. I gave you an identity and the finest of clothes; you were so beautiful! And yet… you soon realized that beauty was power. You seized it. You were adored, and you staked your worth in that. You became like a harlot who gives up her body and denies payment. You have sold yourself for nothing… you are shrinking into a shell of the woman I have created you to be. You’re missing out on life! So, I’ll strip it away. I will reveal your nakedness, your disparity. You will weep and you will hate me… but I will not forget the covenant I made with you in the beginning. I will not abandon you. I will bring purpose and fulfillment unlike anything this world can offer… you’ve been trusting in yourself all this time, and it was killing you. Will you trust in love? Will you trust in me?

I want to go deeper with this passage, but I told myself I'd submit this baby at 1 and then do some homework. There's more on my heart here so I'll post a second entry in a few hours or tomorrow sometime. For now let me leave you with this... Talk with God. Listen to His heart. He doesn't want to impose all the time, what He wants is an invitation into your day-to-day stuff. Not because he needs us or pines for us… but because this is how it was always supposed to be. Relationship with God. Seeking His will and seeing how who He has created you to be fits into it all. It’s really beautiful; really breathtaking.

Meredith Sumner isn't perfect.

Oh my gosh.. those words feel so good to type!

I'm an optimist.  And I really like myself.  I know that sounds conceited, but it's not.  In my opinion the whole self-esteem thing is over-emphasized on Oprah and in sex-ed and can be overlooked in the church.  It is so vital and so exciting to really uncover who you are.  I'm convinced there's a battle going on to keep us from discovering ourselves and all we've been made for.  (That's for another day, though.  Maybe tomorrow.  I could get used to this blogging thing.)  Know that Myers-Briggs test?  Absolutely love it.  It is so creepily accurate that you could close this blog right now, google ENFP and bam! me in a nutshell.  They don't pay me to say this stuff, I promise.

I go to a small school that I adore, and I absolutely L-O-V-E people.  I draw a lot of my worth from others.  And with a very select number of individuals, if I feel I'm not perfect in their eyes, I'll perform.  I hate admitting to it but I guess we've all been there.  What I'm talking about is more like a circus act than a Shakespearean production. It's draining, always messy, and often I don't even realize I'm doing it.  That, ladies and gents, is where this evening found me.

I'm stressed with schoolwork and courseloads and extracurricular responsibilities, but more than anything I'm strung out from rehearsing.  Scene after scene after scene is built around an audience of one.  If I don't hear laughter or feel applause I'll tear down and start over, because your approval is a dangerously big deal.  That's something I'm still sorting out.  I don't want to dwell in it for fear of talking in circles. 

One of my heroes is Alyssa Barlow.  I just read her blog and it kinda inspired this entry.  She wrote, "Refuse to live below your calling."  Those words are so full of life and power.  What a challenge.  Living below the call is eeeaaassssyyyy.  So often, ugh, instead of refusing the sub-standard, I welcome it.  Since this blog points so blatantly to my imperfection I'll admit to having a small breakdown tonight.  My roommate gave me jewels of advice and I half-laughed, mostly-whined into her shoulder, "But it's so hard!"  I wish love and loss and wisdom and discretion came easy.  But if it did... we would never grow.  We'd have merely shallow stories to tell and we'd be terribly unaccustomed to listening to those who really need it.  Most of all, we would have no need for hope.  These words are hard to cling to when you feel distant from God and even harder when you don't care to hear Him, but they remain true: "In this world you will have trouble; but take heart, I have overcome the world."  Jesus said that.  It sounds crazy if you don't know the heart of God, but trust me, His heart is in His words.  Crack open the Bible to the middle.  Check John out.  It's good stuff.  It fills you up.